Titillando Not So Nice
by AvivaPersayAviva
Summary: What do you do to stop your students from using the 'Titillando' spell taught from 7th year to 3rd year? Tell them a terrifying story of just why the spell got banned from teaching in the first place! Then enjoy sniggering when the whole school is shrieking at the name of the spell by lunch and tell them a story to calm them. Marauder!Severus Happy!Remus


Author's Note: I will never own Harry Potter

~~~~Tittilando No No~~~~

James landed on his back right in between the reading Remus Lupin and snoozing Sirius black, halfway landing on them and halfway landing on the three-inches of grass they had in between themselves. With a disgruntled grunt Sirius woke up and Remus' book jumped in his hands.

"James." Both grumbled, glaring at the stag.

"Hiya, Moony, Padfoot! How are you?" James beamed at them. He was bored- utterly bored and he felt like interrupting his best friends peace.

"We were peacefully lying here before someone had to disturb that peace," Remus growled.

"What do you want, James?" Sirius sighed, blinking the sleep out of his silver eyes.

"I am bored." James announced, crossing his ankles and shutting his eyes. With his eyes shut he missed the mischievous look that was exchanged between his best friends.

"Bored hmm?" Sirius questioned, grinning and sitting up.

"We can solve that, Can't we Pads?" Moony sat up himself, drawing his wand.

"Why yes we can, Moony-Ol-Champ!"

"Great! So what are we going to do?" James opened his eyes and sat up. The pair put their hands on his shoulders and pushed him back down against the grass with evilly mischievous grins.

"It's not what you're going to do," Moony corrected.

Sirius smirked, "It's what we're going to do," a pause

"To you," Moony finished and they both aimed their wands at James who was squirming in unease.

"Titillando," They snickered and from their wands came a purple ribbon of mist, circling James, outstretching multiple hands towards him. He bellowed his laughter as the purple mist hands tickled him everywhere they could reach.

"What fun, Eh Padfoot?" Moony laughed, shaking his head. Padfoot snorted and agreed, slightly laughing when one of the hands accidently, or so thought, tickled him when he got a little too close to James. The purple mist seemed to register Sirius as another target and dragged him over, commencing to tickling him as well. James and Sirius' joined laughter bellowed across the empty Hogwarts grounds. Remus backed away a little bit- eyeing the thing that had, without reason, just drug Sirius into it. A hand turned towards him and Remus let out a none too quiet shriek, scrambling to his feet and bolting away. He looked behind him and noticed the hand had _separated_ from it's blob and was chasing after him.

His wand, of course, was sitting next to James and Sirius at the moment. Lovely. Just lovely.

He looked back and nearly screamed- there were now _five_ hands chasing after him. In his horror, much to his terror, he _tripped_. The hands were on him in a second, four dragging him back and one furiously tickling his ribs. He was in hysterics already.

He was placed next to Sirius and everything grew worse- he couldn't move from his curled ball and the Rouge Hex tickled him furiously everywhere he was even remotely ticklish.

Frank and Severus were abducted when they came to try and see what they were laughing at an hour afterwards. Aviva, Lily, and Alice came running over at their pleas of help two hours after that and it was another hour after _that_ before the girls gave up trying to banish the Rogue spell themselves, leaving Lily and Alice to run like they were dying(Which the boys sort of were, James, Remus, and Sirius having already passed out three separate times) to retrieve McGonagall, Flitwick, and their Defense teacher.

Their savior came when Dumbledore was finally called to the scene half an hour after the teachers arrived and he banished the thing in one spell, leaving the boys and the recently abducted Aviva to curl up on their sides, the boys promptly passing out from laughing so long and actually ending up in the Hospital Wing, Remus, Sirius, and James having to stay for a week as it was three days before they would stop passing out at a cracked joke that caused them to laugh.

Remus Lupin stared at his third year class and suddenly smirked. Dumbledore had been animate on never teaching that spell again and promptly banished the thing from the school. The thing was, none of them knew _why_ so occasionally when they could manage it the spell was still done around the school. Remus knew _exactly_ what to do to prevent the third years from continuing on with it as it was taught to third years by the Seventh years every year.

Today's class just happened to be the Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors which were an easy to get along with mix. He cleared his throat and got their attention.

"Today, class, we will be stepping outside of the box of teaching and stepping into the box of understanding why you shouldn't cast certain spells. The thing is, you need to understand why certain spells are banned in order to listen to the rules of _not to do them_. I assume most of you have heard of the Titillando Hex from your older years?" They all hesitantly nodded. He snickered.

"Well, let me tell you that spell is the most self-conscious spell ever created."

Hermione Granger raised her hand, open curiosity on her face. "Yes, Ms. Granger?"

"How do you know it's self-aware?" Groans were brought up from the class and he silenced them with a stern look.

Remus thought back to the event that changed his life forever with a shudder. "Very good and yet very horrifying question, Ms. Granger. What I am about to share with this class, should not be uttered outside of these doors." Of course by noon the following day the whole school would know. They all nodded fearfully.

"I have a very personal experience with the spell and might I add I was actually traumatized from the experience as well. You could, kindly, ask Madame Pompfrey about it." This freaked them out a bit more. Remus tried to shrug off the understanding horror that sketched itself on Harry's face.

With a deep breath he began to retell his tale, "I was in my sixth year and this was a Hogsmead weekend mind you so _everyone_ but myself, James Potter, and Sirius Black were at Hogsmead." A collective gasp came from the class at 'Sirius Black' and Remus noticed Hermione, Ron, and Harry were gritting their teeth, Harry practically a literal inferno with concealed rage. "Yes, I was friends with Black at the time, quite good friends too. Now given this was well before he did anything stupid and heartless. He wasn't a bad kid when we were in school. Loved to prank people left and right- McGonagall nearly had our head's every time she caught us and actually nearly had a cow this particular time." The class laughed at the crack made at their stern Transfiguration teacher.

"I heard that, Mr. Lupin." McGonagall was standing in the doorway with an amused glare. The class jumped, Remus included.

He sheepishly grinned at her, "Sorry, Professor. Care to join us for this tale?"

She shook her head with a small smile, "No thank you, I had to escort a student to the Hospital Wing. The Weasley twins are left all alone within my classroom without supervision. I will be announcing my retirement before I leave those two unmanaged in a classroom for very long." Everyone chuckled at that. It was a well-known fact those two could cause more trouble than anyone necessarily needed.

"I do not see the issue you have with those two. They are well behaved, practical angels in my classroom. Listen to everything, participate- they don't cause chaos or do anything." Remus snickered at the amazed look that came over her face. _It's because I struck a deal with them that I would help them with one prank a week if they paid attention and kept their grades up in his classroom and did not cause Chaos in his classroom. Once they found out he was Moony and got done squealing they were more than happy to abide._

"I do not know how you do it, Mr. Lupin, but you do manage to get the better side out of those two. Goodday. Behave children." With an exasperated nod she left.

"Ah… The joys of having pranksters in the classroom." Remus mused with a grin before turning back to the story, "Now where was I in that story? Oh right. Yes, Everyone but the three of us were at Hogsmead so we took advantage of the open grounds and relaxed. Or at least, me and Sirius did. James came strolling over, announced he was bored, and laid on the two of us as before Sirius had fallen asleep I had been trying to teach him something from the book I had been reading so there wasn't much more than three inches between us when James tried sprawling there." Remus rolled his eyes sometimes James could be thicker than the Whomping Willow, "Well, the idea that pops into my head and also apparently Sirius' was to use the spell 'Titillando', Do any of you know exactly what that spell does?"

Hesitantly Hermione raised her hand, "Yes, Ms. Granger?"

"It's the hex-version of the Rictusempra spell, right?" Remus nodded.

"Like-wise, yes. Titillando is a spell that creates a mist from your wand tip that forms hands and whoever the spell is targeted at it wraps around them like a ribbon and tickles them. Now, let me tell you if you _ever_ find the need to use that spell, _never_, and I do mean _never_ drop or set down your wand until you have canceled the spell."

Everyone's heads tilted in the silent question of why. Remus further explained, "That is what this story is about. Sirius and I cast the spell on James after rolling away a little bit for some room and we set our wands down. It took three minutes but after three minutes Sirius was dragged, and I do mean literally pulled towards James, and tickled. Do you know what is more scarier than a tickling spell's hand slowly turning towards you and then chasing you when you ran from it? It feels like you're in some weird, potion-caused nightmare. The main thing that clicks in your head is, 'Holy sweet mother of all things good and kind I'm going to die,'. That also repeats itself when you are running from the levitating, severed hand and that hand apparently wished itself four more backups and you are running from _five_ hands instead of one. Now, I will say I do not know what is more scarier- having a severed mist-hand tickling you or realizing that you have no idea how to cancel the spell without your wand and that nobody will be able to save you from the rogue spell for hours." Many of the students were snickering and he could understand.

"I can tell you are all snickering at my thought path there- probably thinking the spell wears off after a while, right?" They all nodded.

He sighed, "Wrong. That spell does not wear off. Ever." Their snickers stopped abruptly. "We sat there for _five hours_ at the mercy of that spell. It took _Headmaster Dumbledore_ thirty minutes and several tries to figure out how to end that spell. Let me in from you that spell never lessoned, weakened, softened, or was anywhere near merciful. You'd laugh until you passed out and it would stop but before you could even register you were awake yourself you were back laughing again until you passed out once more. If you are even remotely sensitive somewhere it targets that place- the spell itself is keyed in to know right where it's target is sensitive and it uses that knowledge to every degree that would leave even the strongest and most willful being to ever walk the planet in stitches on the ground."

Remus sighed at the quiet and shaky question that came when he took a breath. "What if you aren't ticklish?" They would all dread that answer.

"It makes you ticklish."

One of the braver Hufflepuffs wearily called out, "S-So w-what? I-it just tickles you. N-not scary at all."

"There is nothing scarier than feeling like you are in some demented dream because you know it's not supposed to be scary but it is all the same."

True enough, the story had spread very quickly by lunch but strangely enough only three out of the four houses were quivering and shrieking if someone started to even say the beginings of the _name_ of the spell. That one house just so happened to be Slytherin.

"What'd you tell them Lupin?" Snape sneered though Remus had to admit- it was the friendliest thing he'd said to him in nearing thirteen years.

"I told them the reason the Titillando spell was banned from all use." A unison scream and an echoing one came from the students who were in hearing distance of Remus. He smiled sadly at them. "Students, it is alright. Might I interest you all in a little advice?" Shaky nods were given.

He stood up and went in front of the teachers table. "A little defense advice- observe before making an emotional judgment. Let's give this situation:" Remus raised his wand and cast a spell he hadn't cast since his Hogwarts days. Before him- large enough for the whole school to see- came a very detailed mist-figure of a person who Remus in a split-second thought made to look like Snape as he recalled Snape had flipped when one certain Bill Weasley came racing towards him firing 'spells'. He shaped the other to look like the equivalent of five year old William that no one but Severus recognized. 'William' was holding a crooked and bumpy stick in his hands, grinning happily and seemed to be shouting something and 'Severus' turned his back in alarm.

"Say a child comes barreling at you with a stick and casting odd spells. What should you do?"

A few weary hands rose. "Yes Mr. Diggory?"

"Observe your surroundings?"

"Quite correct. Three points to Hufflepuff. To be exact what you should do is let your mind freeze and look the child over. Let your mind observe that the stick is much to jagged," The mist zeroed in on the twig- defining it's features to look very stick-like and unwandish look. "Then notice the child. Under age of Hogwarts, correct?" The mist sped out from the wand and moved to examine the child.

"Correct," Severus sighed, glaring slightly at Lupin though giving the barest of smiles at the memory.

"Then taking this information- cast your judgement. Does this child mean harm?"

"No," The Weasley twins spoke first with proud grins.

"What should you do? Fake getting hit by the spell or 'retaliate'?" This had the lot of them stumped. Severus bit the inside of his lip to keep from chuckling and grinning, recalling exactly what he'd done. He had to deflect his own stunner spell he'd sent at Bill for spooking him and then had commenced to setting Rictusempra upon him. He covered his mouth with his hand- trying desperately to get ahold of his bearings.

Apparently Remus noticed his difficulties. "Well, I recall a situation of something like this happening once, so we shall just go with what happened. The adult, as it wasn't exactly Professor Snape here," He sent a smirk towards the quivering Severus Snape- who to the students and staff looked to be quivering with rage instead of withheld mirth.

"The adult turned around and sent a stunner spell at the child, as the adult was spooked and had gone on instinct of ambush though the adult was in the _living room_," All apart from Snape had no idea why he keyed in and exaggerated the words 'Living room', "But when he realized it was a child, a second after he sent the spell, he cast a protection spell on the child and the stunner evaporated. You see, once he reacted and then reacted to his reaction, he could let his heart calm down and then reassure the child, who was now terrified he was going to be in trouble, that he was not in trouble and had only scared him- this being," The mist had followed and reacted to everything Lupin said, and sure enough the child was frowning and shaking, eyes wide and the adult, which freaked them out a little as it was still Severus Snape with a caring frown of his own- no malice in his eyes. The adult raised his wand with an affectionate smile and a silver bolt of lightning hit the child. Third years and younger let out horrified gasps before the mist allowed the child to react. The child clutched his stomach and much to their shock as much as Lupins- giggling laughter of a five-year old bubbled through their ears.

Lupin broke into laughter, more so at the memory then at the startled looks of the students.

"Calm down now, the spell was 'Rictusempra,' done to cheer the child up as well as cheekily 'punish'" Air quotes on the latter word, "him for scaring the adult so badly."

"P-Professor Lupin?" A first year Slytherin questioned with doubt in his eyes.

"Yes, Mr. Hazz?"

"Where are you if you have this memory?" Lupin broke into loud laughter and Snape gave a shuddering breath- the staff raised an eyebrow at them- student body raising an eyebrow as one.

It was several minutes before Lupin could answer. "I will admit- I was several feet away, on the floor in hysterics."

"H-Hysteric's is an understatement, Lupin. You were _howling_ with mirth," Snape managed to get his voice devoid of any emotion though he was shaky at saying it very loud.

"I will admit, I was in more than hysterics. Though at least I wasn't the one the child's mother came after with a frying pan for nearly stunning her son. I still do feel bad for the adult," Lupin laughed again, this time the laugh was deeper and more genuine, his laugh sounding a lot less pained and more younger and care-free. The students smiled at their professor and even a few laughed along with him. The students were paying more attention to Lupin more than they were to Snape- so they missed his body shuddering as he gasped for breath in his silent laughter.

"Least the frying pan didn't miss the adult and hit you over the head when the mother chucked it," Snape retorted, a small amount of his mirth breaking into his voice. Lupin doubled up in more laughter, sounding younger and younger the harder he laughed. The Weasley twins looked at each other and nodded, grinning. Together they stood up and meandered over to their professor.

"Professor what is so funny?" Fred began, grinning.

"Do tell," George continued. Both stood beside him, bending over with him and draping an arm across his back, poking their heads in front of his.

"We want to know what is making you laugh like,"

"In fact you are the one who has been hit with the Rictusempra spell,"

"Instead of our dear mist brother,"

"We want to know who got hit with a frying pan,"

"It sounds funny,"

"You do seem to like to laugh, Professor,"

"You really should do it more often,"

"Should we aid in making him laugh more often, Gred?"

"Aye, We should Forge,"

"How though?"

"Hmm, perhaps he likes jokes?"

"Well, We'll get detentions that way."

"Hmm."

"Perhaps the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is-"

"If just a little bit,"

"If only a tiny bit,"

"Ticklish?"

Lupin, recognizing the tone of mischief and play- a developed skill after being best friends and dorm mates with Sirius Black and James Potter for over seven year- stumbled back, still cracking up so hard he had tears pouring down his face. Most of the teachers were chuckling or giggling at the scene- apart from Snape who was, shocking the rest of the staff and students, laughing nearly as hard as Lupin was.

The twins turned to the school with grins, "What do you lot say? Tickle him or no?"

The answer was instantaneous and loud, though one big word, "YEA!" The twins laughed and skipped to where Harry was, each grabbing and arm and dragging him up next to Lupin.

"Everyone could use a dose of laughter, Mr. Potter," George said in a high voice like he was lecturing the boy as they deposited him next to the immobilized Lupin.

"No damn it-" Harry shouted as Fred tackled him to his back and the pair wrestled about, each trying to over-power the other as they both laughed themselves silly.

George had better luck and had no issue with pinning the professor and was savagely attacking the man with furious tickles that could only be the skill of a well-trained older brother. Inspirited for mischief, various students in the school started attacking one another with the very same weapon and soon it turned to an all-out-brawl with the majority of the students. Those who didn't wish to participate or were lucky enough to escape before being drug in went about their day.

"Only At Hogwarts," Harry smirked as he hopped out of the Hall with Ron and Hermione by his side- leaving the chaos behind them. Fred had been bowled over by Ron as him and Hermione made to escape when the rest of their house went down to battle- thus allowing a light and narrow escape.

Hermione giggled and Ron snorted, "Only at Hogwarts can the majority of the school and the staff get into a _tickle fight_." They shared loud laughter as they walked towards the Common Room.

~~~~Ending~~~~

No idea where this came from. Don't ask. Lmao- things I come up with at nearing 4 in the morning.

Hope you enjoyed the bit of nonsense that has become of this work!

Merry Christmas!


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